Out of the house?

First let me start off by requesting that whoever reads this does not expect funny things. I'm pretty sure the whole point of the whole cracked/pwot blog circle thing was to write about informative and funny things and shit and help improve our writing, but what the hell. I can't really write funny things, but if you talk to me, I am slightly more funny, or something. Either way, this is in no way funny, and actually rather... I don't want to say depressing, but I guess it is. So, maybe you shouldn't read it. Yeah, it'd be best if you instead watched the Fatboy Slim music video for the song "Praise You" which was directed by the always great Spike Jonze.


I'm dead serious when I say this is probably my favorite music video of all time.

So, now that you have all left, I will continue.

I don't want to say I live in a broken home. I'm not going to go into the details of my life, but I guess I'll give the bare basics. My mom and dad are separated, and I live with my mom and autistic brother, and my dad lives on the other side of the island with my other brother. My autistic brother and I stay the weekends at my dad. My autistic brother prefers to live with my mom, and I stay with her to help. Now, to clarify, I did say I live with my mother and autistic brother. This figures in greatly to the subject of this post. Me and my autistic brother don't actually get along. He rarely calls me by name and instead chooses to use the more open ended "hey asshole." My mom usually sides with my brother in misunderstandings, and I always end up getting scolded. He and I don't really get into anything. From what I can tell, he just doesn't like me. My mother often expresses her disappointment in me because I don't seem to be growing into the sensitive, responsible man she had hoped. Its not like she verbally assaults me with it, but when we hit disagreements, which is often, we go through the standard process of "you disappoint me, you're always grumpy, you don't fight the dragon at the top of the hill, etc etc."

My mom has a hard life. Again, I won't go into it, but needless to say, it hasn't exactly turned out the way she probably imagined it would 30 years ago when she was a teenager filled with hopes and dreams. We've been getting into so many fights lately. About my autistic brother, about life, about that dragon, about pretty much anything that can be argued about. I have nothing to offer her but stress and hard times. I'm already aware that I am a disappointment to her, and I feel like I just bring nothing but shame. To my eyes, the love she offers me is now only the mandatory love a mother gives a child. As such, I feel the thing I should do is leave. I feel like it would be better for her, and better for me. A lot of my mental and emotional instability comes from the very house in which I type this post.

So, here I am, admitting that I am a terrible son who not only can't handle living with my own mother and help take care of my autistic brother that loathes me, but that in the end, they (and I) would probably be better off if I just exited the household. I know to some of you that might sound awkward that a 20 year old dude says hes finally leaving the house, because from what I'm told, in the mainland a lot of people move out at 18, but in Hawaii for some reason among most families it does not work like that. I think its because a lot of us are too poor to do things like that. The excuse most of us will give is that in Hawaii, family is most important and need to always stick together and stuff, or whatever it is that girl in Lilo and Stitch said. Ohana and such, but really they are saying "we are too poor to split up."

So now that moving in a strongly considered thing, I don't know where to move. I don't have the money to move in to some apartment, because even with a job and the crappiest apartment you could ever imagine, rent is still impossibly high. I don't want to move in with my dad. Hes more well off than my mom, but hes equally disappointed in me from what I can tell, and probably even more for all that I know. Thats really just about my only other choice, so thats my dilemma. For now I remain stayed, but its now something that has to happen, and soon.

In summation, Lilo and Stitch is a terrible movie.

Oh, if there was anyone who in fact did read this, I disabled comments, assuming you wanted to leave one. Its not really something I want to discuss.